Emptiness
by AliyahNCIS
Summary: What is the worst loss a parent can suffer? And what happens to life and love after they say goodbye? Tiva three-shot.
1. Chapter 1

Nine months and all they had to show for it was a small white casket. Ziva wept for the emptiness she felt - both in her womb where for months there had been life, and in her arms, now bereft of the child she'd borne. Tony's arm was strong around her waist as they stood together in that dreary cemetery, protected under a stand of trees, while the rain fell all around.

Gibbs walked by and laid his hands heavily on their shoulders, but did not try to comfort their grief with words. He'd learned long ago that nothing could ever make that hurt better. Abby was next, pulling her fingers out of McGee's to throw her arms around Ziva, then Tony, her muffled sobs echoing in the stillness around them as she whispered, "I'm sorry", over and over. Today was a day when Rule #6 did not apply.

McGee opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and embraced Ziva gently. He locked eyes with Tony, his heart breaking for the wealth of sorrow there. It was a hard, dark day. Ducky and Jimmy filed by, Jimmy standing awkwardly with Breena, who tried hard not to draw attention to the five month bump announcing the baby she carried. Ducky squeezed Ziva's hand and patted Tony's arm.

Finally they were alone, just the two of them with their dead baby girl who lay cold in the fancy white box, far too small for the hole that had been dug. Ziva stepped forward and carefully traced the words carved into the lid._ Zarah Elise DiNozzo Beloved Daughter, Our Little Angel August 7, 2012._

There was only one date, because their precious little girl had died shortly after taking her first breath. She'd uttered a single cry and then she was gone, leaving behind parents and a family broken and devastated, with a hole in their hearts much bigger than her tiny body.

Tony placed his hand over Ziva's and sighed. "Goodbye sweet girl. Mommy and I love you so much." Then he gently tugged his wife away from a piece of both of their hearts.

Once settled in the car, Ziva laid her hands over her still swollen stomach and spoke quietly. "I miss her Tony. I miss feeling her inside me. The way she moved and kicked. Even when she had the hiccups and I was trying to sleep. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms, to see her-"

She broke off and held out empty arms that had waited and yearned to be filled by her daughter. Tony blinked back tears and gathered his wife close. "I know Ziva," he choked out, "I know." He could still feel Zarah's sweet weight against his chest as he held her for both the first and last time.

She had been beautiful, their baby. Dark hair like Ziva's, the same blue eyes that all newborns had, tiny perfect fingers and toes, small lips set in an adorable pout. Tony closed his eyes and remembered his daughter's smell, the softness of her cheek when he ran his finger over it, how light her little body had been as he cradled her close to his heart.

He held Ziva tighter and let the tears come, his face buried in her thick hair, his arms keeping her against him. He could not lose Ziva too. She pulled away from him and used graceful fingers to wipe away the tears. Then Ziva kissed him, a slow kiss burdened with the grief of their loss, desperate for reassurance that their love would survive even this. After all that they'd been through together, they still had to walk another valley and she did not want to walk this one alone.

Tony accepted her touch and cradled her head in his hands. The second she broke the kiss he sought her lips again, kissing her longer and deeper, pouring out his heart into a single action. When they were all out of breath and the tears were streaming down their cheeks again, the husband and wife sat and held each other in their car, listening to the rain drops falling softly outside.

Pulling away, Tony rested his forehead against Ziva's and stared deep into her eyes, seeing her fear and the deep sadness she felt because of Zarah. "We're gonna make it Zi," he whispered. "You and me, together. We're going make it just like we always have. We're partners Ziva, I have your back."

She nodded slowly and laced her fingers between his, in a silent gesture that begged 'Do not let go'. "It is time to go home Tony."

He started the engine, put the car in drive, and took them back to the small, three bedroom house they'd purchased when they found out Ziva was pregnant. It had looked like their bright and happy future the day they stood out front after all the moving and unpacking was finished. Now it looked like a vault to hold all their broken dreams.

The couple moved quickly through the entry and down the hall, not stopping to glance in the pastel coloured room that kept a record of everything they had hoped for. Zarah's crib was ready, her dresser stocked with folded sleepers and tiny pink, purple, and yellow outfits. Toys were scattered around the room, the rocking chair had a pillow and receiving blanket already placed, and on a shelf, small pink blocks spelled out her name with white letters. There was too much in there to mourn, and neither parent had the strength to face all the plans they'd made that had now crumbled into dust.

In silence they changed out of the black suit and dress that had been their funeral wear. Ziva pulled on pyjama pants that had fit her when she was only five months along, and a red t-shirt that fell below her hips, disguising but not quite hiding the place where her daughter had grown. Tony paid no attention to his clothes, he just slid on the first pair of plaid pyjama pants that his hand found, and yanked an old ratty OSU t-shirt over his head.

Tony and Ziva got into bed, and Ziva moved right over to curl her body into her husband's, noting sadly that they had not been able to get this close in months. Running out of energy to be strong for his wife, Tony wrapped his arms around her, holding her tenderly as silent tears soaked his shirt. He ran his hand down her hair over and over again, until her breathing evened out and her body relaxed. He watched her for a long time, glad to see that the grief was not to harsh on her features when she wasn't awake, and finally Tony managed to fall into his own restless sleep.

Hours later, though he couldn't have said how many or even if any time at all had passed, Tony woke to an empty bed. The room was darker than it had been, the light of day fading into dusk, and a bright line was visible from underneath the bathroom door.

Tony got out of bed and entered the other room to find Ziva slumped against the sink, tear tracks dried on her face. He sat down beside her and took her hand in his, concern floating in his gaze. "Zi? What's wrong honey? Talk to me." The question seemed incredibly lame in light of the past few days' events, but he still wanted to know what had caused her tears at that moment.

Ziva raised anguished eyes to meet her husband's. "My milk came in," she whispered and Tony fought the anger that surged inside him. It was just another reminder of their little girl that was not at home in her nursery where she belonged. And Ziva could do nothing to control this part.

"I'm sorry sweetheart," he said, leaning over and kissing her cheek. "Are you okay?"

"I am sore," she said brokenly. "And I know if I could just nurse her it would not hurt so bad but I did not even get a chance. Why Tony?" Ziva's eyes closed and her face scrunched up as she tried to will the tears away. "Why did we lose her? Everything was fine and then she was just gone."

"I know babe," Tony sighed, wishing he could make it better but there were no words for this, just like there were no words for their daughter's funeral. "I don't know why we lost her Zi, I wish I had all the answers. But all I have is this hole in my heart that remembers the few seconds I had to be her daddy. And I don't know if that hurt will ever go away or if I even want it to. I don't want to forget what it was like to hold her."

Ziva's hand came up and lay flat against his cheek, swallowing her tears she managed a hesitant smile for her husband. "You will always be her daddy Tony. You talked to her every chance you got, rubbed my belly when she was getting too active, cut...the cord," she stumbled over that one, "when she was born. You held her, you dreamed for her, you loved her. I will never forget that. Zarah knew your voice, your touch, and she would have grown up feeling safe in your arms. You will not forget ahava, you will not forget our daughter."

Tony drew Ziva against his side and they sat there together for a long time, their breaths and heartbeats sounding as one. Finally Ziva got up and changed into the tight, post-partum sports bra the hospital had recommended to her, added breast pads to absorb the milk that leaked every time she thought of her baby girl, and got back into bed. It felt so good to lie down, to rest, and Ziva thought that maybe they could just lay there together and never get up. If all they did was sleep, perhaps it would not hurt so much to be without her.


	2. Chapter 2

Less than a week after that horrible day, Ziva's milk dried up and Tony found her in tears again. He realized then that he'd never seen Ziva cry so much. Everything in the days following Zarah's funeral seemed to bring tears. It was something he almost didn't know what to do with, even during labour she hadn't cried.

She yelled, she screamed, she uttered what he was pretty sure were death threats in every language she knew plus a couple she might've made up. Tony had just smiled and let her squeeze his hand, pretending he didn't understand and hoping she would let him near her again when it was all over. Now he couldn't even think of doing that, the act that had put life in Ziva's womb, without remembering that the little life they'd rejoiced over was gone now.

Three days after she was discharged from the hospital alone, Tony walked past their daughter's room and caught a glimpse of Ziva kneeling on the floor, holding Zarah's toys. The small pink bear that was meant to be given to her the day they brought her home. A striped Zebra that Abby had found. And a baby doll that Ziva swore would not be allowed to become their daughter's favourite toy. Now they would never know.

It had been suggested that they bury Zarah with one of her toys, but Ziva had not been able to let any of them go, she felt they were all the reminders she had left of her little girl. So they put her in a beautiful white silk baby gown, and laid her to rest with a child-sized Star of David necklace around her neck, and the blanket Ziva had made - she'd learned to knit as soon as they discovered she was pregnant - tucked close around her little body.

Ziva's body was shaking with sobs so Tony went and knelt beside her, holding her tenderly as a few of his own tears fell on her hair. They stayed like that, on the floor of Zarah's room, crying and clinging to each other. Their grief was a deep well that seemed to know no end, but instead of growing apart, they constantly turned in need to find the other one right beside them. It killed Gibbs and the rest of the team to watch them go through it alone, but they knew that because Tony and Ziva were together, they were going to make it.

A week later Ziva started running again, and three months after she'd given birth, it would've been impossible for a casual observer to tell that she'd ever been pregnant. Only Tony, who knew what her clothes hid, only he got to see what Ziva called her 'mother's marks' - the faint lines on her now flat stomach and sides from where her skin had stretched as Zarah grew inside her.

**NCIS**

She cried the first time he made love to her, a month after they buried their daughter. It broke Tony's heart but she did not ask him to stop, and he used gentle hands and loving words to comfort her. It was slow and sad, an extension of their grief but also a reflection of their love for each other, as they touched and kissed their way through that long afternoon. Later, Ziva would call that moment 'beautiful', and tell Tony it made her feel alive again, connected to him, in a way nothing else had done since Zarah died.

Afterwards, on a bright sunny weekend that did not lift their spirits, Tony and Ziva brought boxes into Zarah's room and slowly packed up all of the things that had been set up for her. Neither of them could stand to look at her empty room any longer, still standing ready as if waiting for the little girl who had never come home.

Tony made sure he was always touching Ziva, always watching her eyes to see how badly it was affecting her, holding their daughter's things. And Ziva's gaze rarely strayed from her husband, watching as he put toys and blankets and baby things into brown boxes and taped them shut.

Twelve boxes were taken up and piled in their attic, labeled with permanent marker, stored with all their hopes and dreams for the little girl they would never get to watch grow up. Then husband and wife sat on the couch together, fingers linked, holding on tight because if they fell it was going to be together. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from any of this, including their heavy hearts, a constant reminder of what, or rather who, was missing.

On Monday Tony and Ziva were both back to work, each having used up weeks of sick days and bereavement leave to deal with their loss. The day was quiet and after awhile Ziva escaped to the basement shooting range to fire her weapon again and again, pouring anger and grief into each shot and practicing to make up for the months when she had not often held a gun. Tony immersed himself in paper work - his and Ziva's - as if it was a punishment. There was no joking, no slacking off, and he didn't say a word all day. That more than anything left others feeling on edge. They missed the real Tony and Ziva, not these shadows that had returned to them.

The team was cautious and hesitant around the couple, afraid to say or do anything that might make everything worse. Gibbs kept an eye on both his agents and almost wished for a case so they would have a distraction. McGee glanced at Tony and Ziva from time to time, but remained quiet. Ducky came up to visit once but found that there were no words he knew that would soothe or entertain. Even to try felt crass in light of recent events.

Abby waited until the end of the day to bring up the envelope full of pictures that she'd printed off. She left them on Ziva's desk and hugged both of them before turning to McGee and asking him with her eyes to follow her down to the lab. Ziva stared at the innocuous white envelope for several seconds before picking it up, and Tony immediately wrapped his hand around hers and lead her out to the car. She gripped the envelope tightly all the way home, and they sat on the couch together to open it.

The first picture had Ziva burying her face in Tony's shoulder as the tears leaked down her cheek. There she was, their beautiful baby. Although the life was already gone from her, Zarah appeared to only be sleeping. Photo after photo showed their daughter with each member of the team, and then multiple shots of her with Tony and Ziva. Lastly were pictures of the little family together.

Ziva softly caressed a close up shot of Zarah's face and murmured something in Hebrew.

"English Zi," Tony whispered, "don't shut me out." It was his greatest fear that one day Ziva would just retreat so deep inside herself that he would not be able to reach her, and then they would both be alone.

She turned those beautiful brown eyes towards him and brushed her knuckles down his cheek. "I am not Tony, you know those words. I only said that I love her, that we miss her."

He rested his head on top of hers. "Do you think the pain ever goes away?"

"No," she said slowly, "but I think it will get less. I just do not know when."

Ziva flipped through the stack of photos and drew out one of Tony holding Zarah and looking down at her in his arms. She stared at it for a long moment, trying to recapture the memory of watching him with their baby girl. Then Ziva pressed a kiss to it, folded the picture, and slid it into his shirt pocket over his heart.

"There," she whispered. "So you do not forget what it was like to be her daddy."

Tony kissed her then, hard, and Ziva pushed the envelope aside as she immediately reciprocated and leaned into him. His hands started wandering over her body and her fingers slid into his hair. They stumbled to their bedroom without letting go and fell onto the bed, letting their grief and sorrow be consumed by their desire for each other.

When it was over, Tony brushed back Ziva's sweaty curls and kissed away a tear on her cheek. "I love you Zi," he said hoarsely, keeping her against him.

Ziva traced a finger through the hair on his chest. "I know." She took a deep breath, holding in more tears. "Promise you will never stop?"

Tony hugged her tighter. "Not even when my heart stops beating. I will love you until the end of time Ziva DiNozzo."

"David-DiNozzo," she corrected with a small smile, not nearly insistent about it as she had been three years ago on their wedding day. Then she relaxed into his body. "You are my heart Tony, my home. I could not do this without you."

He pressed a kiss to her temple. "No such thing as 'without you', I promise honey."

Ziva nodded against his skin. "Good. I love you."

Their lips met and they drank in the comfort of each other, knowing that no matter what happened, they would be together.


	3. Chapter 3

It had taken a lot of hard work, but Ziva had finally managed to lose all the extra weight she'd gained during her pregnancy. At first Tony wanted to protest all the time she spent working out, but then he realized it gave her something to focus on other than Zarah's absence, so he joined her, and together they put all their grief and sadness into their exercise routines, enjoying the closeness and also reaping benefits from all their extra physical exertion.

When Ziva looked in the mirror after three and a half months, she felt good about her body, despite the marks that made her unsure whether she'd ever wear a bikini again. And so, for the first time in months, she initiated intimacy with her husband. Tony was glad to see her confidence coming back, and took her up on her offer with out hesitation. It was one of their first times together not tinged with the sadness of their loss. They had sex because they wanted to, and not because they needed comfort or an outlet for their sorrow.

After that they started going out again, spending time with their friends, and realizing that just because they didn't have Zarah didn't mean life had stopped. They still had people around them who loved them, and they had each other. It became a reason to start smiling.

One day Tony heard Ziva laugh, and wanted to hug her. He thought it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard, next to his daughter's first and last cry. He loved the music in Ziva's laughter and appreciated it even more now, because there had been so many dark days when he thought he'd never see her happy again.

Slowly, oh so slowly, joy crept back into Ziva's eyes, the familiar teasing spark Tony loved, and with it his own heart began to feel a little bit lighter. At four months they were flirting again, filling the bullpen with the banter everyone had missed and no one dared to complain about it now.

Five months after Zarah's death, McGee finally proposed to Abby, and they were married in a small ceremony only three weeks later. Seven months almost to the day that they'd lost their daughter, Tony came home from a guy's night with McGee to find Ziva sitting at the table, holding a small white stick in her hands.

He stopped dead, eyes widening. "Zi?" he asked hoarsely.

She looked up at him, conflicting emotions warring in her gaze. "I am eight weeks," she said softly.

Not sure what the appropriate reaction was less than a year after their first pregnancy ended in tragedy, Tony swallowed. "You okay?"

Ziva met his eyes and smiled, a rare joy lighting the depths of her gaze. "I am happy Tony. For so long I could not even imagine being pregnant again, it would remind me too much of Zarah. But now..." she shrugged, "I have wanted a child with you since the very beginning." She bit her lip. "Are you okay?"

Tony helped her up and Ziva trailed her fingers down his cheek, searching his gaze. He wrapped his arms carefully around her slender form and Ziva recognized the gentleness he had shown when she was pregnant last time. "I'm thrilled Zi," he choked out. Pulling back, he kissed her tenderly, the love in his face sending tears flowing down Ziva's cheeks. Then he used one of the cheesy scenes from his movies and picked her up, swinging her around once. "We're going to have a baby."

Ziva's smile grew and she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him fiercely. "Thank you Tony."

"Are you kidding?" Tony asked, press his lips to the back of her hand. "Thank you Ziva. For sticking by me even after what happened with Zarah." It wasn't easy, but they were learning to say her name more, instead of pretending they weren't thinking it often.

She kissed him slowly. "I love you Tony," and her eyes reflected the emotion. "There is nowhere else I would rather be."

**NCIS**

From that second on they treasured every second of her pregnancy, knowing all too well what it was like for those to be the only memories they had of their child. The first time Ziva felt the baby move, the tears started again, and so many little milestones took them back to their first pregnancy. They had to keep reminding each other that they were not trying to replace Zarah, nor were they forgetting her or loving her less because they had tried again. They were just living, even if it was without her.

They kept the pregnancy to themselves for as long as they could, not up for another joyful announcement just yet. Ziva carried this baby more inside, and she was barely showing by the time she went for her five month ultrasound. After that it was time for the news to come out, and what the doctor told them had the team coming over a week later to paint the guest bedroom a bright blue like the ocean.

Gibbs and McGee took apart the crib in Zarah's room and moved it down the hall to reassemble it in the new nursery. The rocking chair followed and when the paint dried and the smell wasn't so potent, Ziva sat in the room a long time, looking at the walls and rubbing her hand slowly over her expanding stomach.

Ziva went on maternity leave at thirty-three weeks, and woke Tony up early in the morning six weeks later when she couldn't hide the contractions any longer. Her labour was much shorter this time, and less than seven hours after she'd felt the first pain, their son was born.

Tony winced when Ziva grasped his hand tightly, but he understood, and they both held their breath as the doctor cleared the baby's nose and mouth and Samuel Isaac took his first breath. But they needn't have worried. He was Tony's son through and through, and screamed his little head off as he protested his new environment, the cleaning and quick tests the doctors did, and being swaddled tightly to get warm. Samuel didn't settle down until Ziva had him in her arms and guided his wide open mouth to her breast.

The surprise at the instant connection she felt to her son showed on her face, and when he started nursing, his little cheeks and chin moving as he sucked greedily and swallowed, tears poured down Ziva's face. This was what she had missed with Zarah, what her breasts had ached for when they were so full and she had no baby to nourish. Tony wiped them all away, watching the whole process in fascination, unable to take his eyes off their son.

When Ziva was smiling again and touching Samuel gently all over, like she was making sure he was really real and here with them, Tony leaned over and kissed her temple. "You did great sweetheart. I can't believe we have a son." He had to clear his throat before finishing. "Thank you for making me a dad again," he whispered.

Ziva's eyes watered as she tore her gaze from the baby long enough to look at her husband. "He is perfect."

Tony chuckled and rubbed his son's tummy. "You hear that Sam? Your mom is already biased. Then again," he grinned, meeting his wife's gaze, "I can't argue with her. You are one amazing kid." He kissed the little boy's head and counted tiny fingers and toes while Samuel nursed. Happiness filled the small hospital room and Tony and Ziva kissed, sharing in the joy of this new life they had created out of their love.

**NCIS**

Not quite three years after Samuel's birth, his little sister, Taylin Ariana DiNozzo, was born, and Sam's bright green eyes opened wide with awe when his father lifted him onto Ziva's hospital bed. He gently patted her cheek with one hand, having been warned over and over by his parents to be gentle.

"Hi Taya, I Sam." He looked up at Ziva. "Mommy, she little."

Ziva smiled down at both her children. "Yes she is Samuel."

The little boy regarded his baby sister seriously, then his eyes lit up. "Can she play hide and seek?"

Tony ruffled Sam's dark curls and chuckled. "Not yet Sport, but someday she will, when she's as big as you."

"I'm a big boy," he informed the occupants of the room, squirming to get down off the high bed. Tony automatically held out a hand in case his son slipped, but he made it safely to the ground and ran to the door where the team stood watching the newly expanded family. "Grampa Gibbs, that's my sister," Samuel pointed towards the pink bundle in Ziva's arms.

Gibbs scooped up the young boy. "That's right Samuel, you're a big brother now. You get to help Mommy and Daddy with Taylin."

"I show her all my toys at home," he promised.

"Good man," Gibbs smiled, hugging the little boy he loved as much as if Samuel were his flesh and blood grandson.

Ziva watched everything going on with joy filling her. Four years ago her heart had been broken into a thousand tiny pieces when Zarah died and her arms were left empty. Now her heart was whole again, and her arms and her life filled with her loving husband and beautiful children, and the brief memories of heaven's youngest angel. She leaned into her husband and smiled. Right here in this room was everything she'd ever wanted.


End file.
